Too many moms saying "NO"

I spend a lot of time standing behind a counter at an ice cream store and what I hear is "not for me" from so many women.

Picture this... a family of six people come in for dessert. The are on a joy-filled family outing with the Grandparents. The children are thrilled to order ice cream. They can't wait! Grandpa knows he wants a maple walnut sundae and Dad orders a dipped cone. Grandma says "oh, I'd like that too. But just a baby one. Can I get a kiddie size?"

Then it's Mom's turn to order. "Nothing for me, thanks." The Grandpa turns to her and says, "come on dear, I'm buying."  And the Mom replies in one of several ways, but saying the same thing"... not for me."

She might say: 1)  I can't... I'm on a diet.  2) I shouldn't.... I had a brownie three days ago. 3) I really have to pass....these jeans barely fit me now.  4) No.... If I eat that I'll have to run 10 miles tomorrow. 5) That sundae sounds good Dad, maybe I'll just try a bite of yours.

At this point in the ordering process, Grandma might back out of her order too, in a show of solidarity. "You're right dear, I've had too many sweets already this week. Forget my baby cone" she tells me. Sadly, this is a setback for her now too... just when she was getting comfortable treating herself once in a while (A privilege she finally felt she earned with age).

My concern here is not the sales. My concern is that I hear loud and clear, repeatedly, and from women of all shapes and sizes that they are not ENTITLED to a little taste of joy with their families. They are putting more value on body image than PARTICIPATING in the activity. It's not about eating ice cream, or dessert, I feel it is about mothers constantly saying no to themselves and distancing themselves from the norm.

What are these actions teaching our daughters? And our sons?

Children don't see this abstinence from dessert as an act of willpower or strength, they see it as another denial of play. Just the same as when a mom says no to playing catch or building a Lego castle, and washes dishes in the kitchen instead. Mom is NO FUN! She NEVER PLAYS with us. She doesn't even want to have ice cream with us!

The same scenario plays out at Old Navy, or in Safeway or at the gift store.  Moms are happy to buy new clothes/favourite cereal/presents for their children and others, but are reluctant to say "yes" to themselves?  Is it money? I don't think so. I just think society has conditioned moms to put others first and in some cases, deprive herself completely.  This is why we refer to spa days or getting our hair done as an indulgence. "I splurged." Like getting your nails done requires some sort of confession to, or a pardon from, a higher authority.  I have never heard a man rationalize his ice cream purchase or say out loud that he "splurged" on a case of beer or a new fishing rod.

All we need to say is "YES." Forget the speech about why you "shouldn't" or how you will pay for your sin later. Just say yes. "Yes, thank you, I'll have the hot fudge sundae... with nuts."

Don't believe me? Watch your kids' eyes light up when you say, "can I play catch with you?" or "Hey, let's go grab a couple of those ice cream sandwiches you love. I bet I can eat a whole one today!"

Travelling Solo With Your Child

To travel is a gift. To travel solo with your child is an incredible gift and I treasure it.

I have done it a few times, and I will do it again. While I have two children, I like to take the occasional vacation with them individually.

My older son and I recently returned from a hockey road trip. If this sounds like an old story repeated, it's not. There is hockey constantly! LOL  It was three fantastic days on the road, sharing music, stories, food and adventure.  This time we also had the privilege of staying with our extended family and getting to know them better. Truly a special memory.

Note, I didn't drone on about hockey and our wins/loses? We are a hockey family, but winning isn't everything. Memories and shared experiences outweigh the win category every time.

Within 48 hours of returning the one son, I took off with the other. The younger boy and I then headed south to California. Head over to my travel blog to read my hotel reviews and see how much I loved California. (I'll make regular entries there, but it will take me a few days to get all my stories out.)

My younger son, toils constantly to keep up with his brother. There is on-going rivalry and posturing. A solo trip is a break from that. The younger one can be himself. He can cuddle if he wants to cuddle, express his thoughts and do things at his own pace without ridicule. Never once on our trip did I have to yell "get your hands off your brother! You two separate! Stop it!!" It was a break for me, since I always feel like I'm refereeing with those two.

There are a few key points to note when traveling solo with your child.

1. Make sure to have a consent letter for travel from your spouse (very important whether you are married or not.) In this letter, specify your dates, flights and destination. Include your hotel address and any tickets or plans you have. Contact phone numbers for your spouse that you can reach promptly if you are held up at airport security with questions.  If you can have a lawyer notarize your letter, it's preferable.

2. A thorough and detailed plan if you get separated accidentally in a restaurant or airport etc. Practice it.

3. Bright clothing easily recognized by each of you. It sounds trivial, but if you are separated in a store even by a few feet, you want to be INSTANTLY recognizable.

4. Thoroughly researched destination, with safety measures considered. For example, I was taking C to an NHL hockey game in a big city. We knew there would be a sold out crowd. I chose to pay a few extra dollars to buy club seats for us - knowing that the club level had restricted access, lots of security, fewer patrons and a far better washroom ratio. Why is this important?  At this age we go into separate gender washrooms. I could not allow him in good conscience to stand in a line of strangers for 20 minutes unattended to use the washroom. Club seats and facilities meant a 2 minute or less line and a far greater level of comfort and limited separation anxiety for both of us.

5. Do something special of the child's choosing. C wanted to go walking in the rain with an umbrella. He also wanted the waitress to bring him a fancy kid's cocktail on the patio. Easy, peasy!  I also try to arrange something indulgent that will be a special memory specific to that child. I can assure you my hockey-loving boy will never forget meeting Teemu Selanne pre-game and then watching the game from the padded club seats.

When I find myself on these one-on-one vacations, there is far more opportunity for me to relax. I feel like a better parent, and a human being again rather than a referee. Of course I enjoy family vacations with everyone together, and it is great to have another adult present to share the responsibility and security duties, but I often find myself needing a rest after those vacations.  This California adventure, though short, did the trick. I feel recharged and like I'm ready to get back in the game.

Mama said

Mama said there'd be days like these.

Did "she" know there would be such crazy adventures? Or is every day just what you make of it?

Will my boys remember into the future, things I say today? Or for them, will it be the actions I took, rather than the words I used?

Not just as a parent, but in general, I do my very best to only make promises I can keep. I also try not to get into situations where I would disappoint my kids. For example, I would never take my kids to an ice cream store and not get them ice cream. Right?  Well, why would I hold them back from wet and wild adventures, if I'm the one who took them to the waterpark?  I wouldn't.

But boy, did I have my hands full!

The waterpark or "Aqua Adventure" at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas is a thrill a minute. From the "not so" lazy river, to the Abyss or the Falls, it's all a wild time. But, still, not my idea of a good time! Here's the thing.... I don't actually like to swim. I don't like roller coasters and I don't like to be in a bathing suit in public. And pretty much this is EXACTLY what I'd gotten us into. Yep, I willingly planned a family vacation to the incredible Atlantis Resort. (It's such an incredible place. I love, love, love Atlantis!)   Aqua Adventure is an absolute dream come true - for anyone who likes water, and fun. And while I'm not opposed to water, and I do like a little adventure, this kind of thing repels me. And then I see the boys.

My boys are beaming with joy, vibrating with anticipation and looking at me like I'm a hero for leading them to this glorious place.  Ry screams, "Mom, lets go! Lets's do the serpent ride! It goes through the shark tank! C'mon!"

My gut screams "noooooo" but my mouth shouts, "yeah! Race ya' there!"  And there's one reason I do it. I am absolutely committed to showing my kids a good time. I will not let my fears hold them back from trying new things in their lives. I will not let my fears cripple them into living a sheltered life. I will not hold them back from trying new things and finding what they love to do. And if it means that I have to fight my own inner battles in order to participate fully, then that's exactly what I'll do. I view it as a privilege to be witness, and often co-conspirator in their shenanigans.

After the serpent ride and the falls, Ry and I tackled the "Challenger Slides" together. It's a steep, 5 second race to the water. After our first race, I was gasping and snorting water and just happy I survived. Ry joyfully screams at me, "that was soooo awesome, we HAVE TO do it again!"  Ugh, I think but rather, I reply "Hell ya'." This gets him fired up and we clamber to the stairs to go up again for another race. "You're the best" he tells me as we wait for another turn.  As I stand there, catching my breath and processing his heartfelt compliment, I think to myself "yeah, I am doing a good job. This optimistic, fearless boy is going to be ready to take on the world. If he can get ME out at a waterpark, laughing and racing and in a bathing suit, there's really nothing he can't do."  And that's how I'll measure success.

Challenger Slides

In the meantime, I guess I'll be enjoying the days like these. Nothing beats togetherness and shared laughter with your kids.

My Best Back to School Tip

STOP... and give me 15!!!

So what do I mean? Well, when my two boys burst through the door after school each day I tell them to "stop, and give me fifteen" minutes of their time for chores. Fifteen minutes is no big deal. You can even put it on a timer. But I do my best to enforce it every school day, the minute they burst through the door. Otherwise, you know what happens... the TV flips on, or they start playing with their iPods, scavenging for food or otherwise just destroying the house. And then the evening gets away on you and it's dinner and bed and nothing has been accomplished by the minors in the household.

In 15 minutes they can complete one or maybe two tasks. Things as simple as these:
- tidying up their bedroom from the morning rush
- organizing the shoes at the front door
- walking and feeding the dogs
- taking out the garbage
- sweeping the floor
- putting away their own laundry
- gathering their equipment for the next hockey game
- writing a quick thank you note to someone
- putting away groceries
- setting the table

During that 15 minutes, I prepare a quick and healthy snack for them. (We all know kids burst through the door hungry each day after school.)  Things like crackers and cheese, veggies, or whole grain tortilla chips and salsa usually do the trick.

Then, they can get to doing their after school "chillaxin" and I can work at getting dinner ready without the added burden of doing their chores as well, or tripping over them as they scavenge for food in the kitchen.

Mom, "It's a life skill"

"It's not just Christmas shopping, Mom, it's a life skill," says my son as we drive home from a successful evening of shopping together.

Wow. I'm just blown away by his maturity and this "ah ha moment." And more than that, for him to realize this and actually articulate it to me. Again, wow.  I've always known he was a mature kid, wise beyond his 9 years, but still I am impressed enough to share this treasured moment.

The shopping event was pretty straight forward. We had planned to go in the evening, once the mall had quieted for the day. I gave him a very specific, and suitable, amount of money. My only instructions were that he had to buy all the gifts for family and friends with that money, no more. He needed to have a list of people, and at least an idea or two of the the gifts he was after for each person. If there was less than $10 left over he could keep it. (If more than $10 he would have to go back for more gifts.)

He knew what stores he wanted to go to and had a general idea of what he was after. Once at the mall, he quickly realized what options were realistic on his budget and what types of things were available and looked good.  He liked the sales and was always calculating out loud. His math skills are quite good. I didn't have to step in there at all.  He even used the automated check stand at one store!

He bought items for his brother, parents and grandparents, six gifts in total. The most money he spent was on his brother, and I think, the most thought as well. (Hooray!!  I'm a proud mom. ) He really likes the gifts he chose. He's excited for Christmas so he can show off his choices.

We were done in under two hours, with little or no stress at all. He was really proud of himself and we had a lively chat all the way home. That's when he told me a bit about what he's learning in school, and what he learned from me this evening.

I am so blessed.

Revealing the lesson

In hardship and in good times there are lessons. Lessons, that help us to grow, understand and witness our true selves. In my life, I am surrounded by many good people. Some masquerade as neighbours, some as employees, some as restaurant customers; but all are friends. I would find it challenging to get through the trying times if I didn't have these people in my life.

Yesterday I learnt a lesson. My own children still need me. Now believe me, this isn't headline news...nor had I ever lost sight of this... I was simply reminded. My youngest appealed to the school secretary that he wasn't feeling well and needed to go home. I was summoned and appeared promptly to gather him up. (Thank goodness for the employee who said she could cover my shift and urged me to leave work.)   Behind the "stomach ache" or the bump on the playground ( he couldn't remember which he was concerned of) was simply a desire to be with his mom.

In kindergarten he went to school every second day. As a team, restaurant staff, neighbours, grandparents and friends all helped me juggle work and CJ's off time so we didn't have to put him in day care (and pay for full time and only use half time). We had adventures. There were days when he had to tag along to work with me. There were challenging days but somehow we made it work.

Yesterday his actions told me that he missed our exclusive time together. He wanted his brother and dad to be at school/work and us to just hang out. Truth is I miss it too. But I'm not going to pull him out of school to cuddle.  That being noted, it did make me realize how much time I'm dedicated to the restaurant right now. 80+ hours a week and at times it's overwhelming. I'm missing him and I know I'm missing out. Somehow I'll make it up to them this winter when things slow down. Or is that what a classic work-a-holic says? Did I really learn a lesson? How can I make changes in the future? Ultimately, do the kids respect me for working so hard or are we going down a path where we have to pull the team together to make changes?

Halloween

Ah, another hectic event in the books. My boys had a wonderful time, but most certainly the best part was the participation of their grandparents.

For the first time in over 25 years my father had duties on Halloween night. The apartment he lived in since he and my mother divorced never did permit Trick or Treating. So the last time he participated in Halloween was by escorting me, when I was a child.

This time, he bought the candy and handed it out himself, at his new house.

As a family we had a "pre-game" meal, then got the kids ready in their costumes.  Grandpa and (new) Grandma were both instrumental in getting the kids dressed, photographed and prepared for the fun. I really don't think I could have done it without them. It was a total team effort to co-ordinate 4 detailed costumes, the two kids and all the Halloween "stuff".

I'm going to cherish the photos we took tonight. They bridge the gap between the generations. No doubt in my mind that they reminded my dad of when I was a princess a long time ago...for they, for certain,  reminded ME of when I was a princess.