Too many moms saying "NO"

I spend a lot of time standing behind a counter at an ice cream store and what I hear is "not for me" from so many women.

Picture this... a family of six people come in for dessert. The are on a joy-filled family outing with the Grandparents. The children are thrilled to order ice cream. They can't wait! Grandpa knows he wants a maple walnut sundae and Dad orders a dipped cone. Grandma says "oh, I'd like that too. But just a baby one. Can I get a kiddie size?"

Then it's Mom's turn to order. "Nothing for me, thanks." The Grandpa turns to her and says, "come on dear, I'm buying."  And the Mom replies in one of several ways, but saying the same thing"... not for me."

She might say: 1)  I can't... I'm on a diet.  2) I shouldn't.... I had a brownie three days ago. 3) I really have to pass....these jeans barely fit me now.  4) No.... If I eat that I'll have to run 10 miles tomorrow. 5) That sundae sounds good Dad, maybe I'll just try a bite of yours.

At this point in the ordering process, Grandma might back out of her order too, in a show of solidarity. "You're right dear, I've had too many sweets already this week. Forget my baby cone" she tells me. Sadly, this is a setback for her now too... just when she was getting comfortable treating herself once in a while (A privilege she finally felt she earned with age).

My concern here is not the sales. My concern is that I hear loud and clear, repeatedly, and from women of all shapes and sizes that they are not ENTITLED to a little taste of joy with their families. They are putting more value on body image than PARTICIPATING in the activity. It's not about eating ice cream, or dessert, I feel it is about mothers constantly saying no to themselves and distancing themselves from the norm.

What are these actions teaching our daughters? And our sons?

Children don't see this abstinence from dessert as an act of willpower or strength, they see it as another denial of play. Just the same as when a mom says no to playing catch or building a Lego castle, and washes dishes in the kitchen instead. Mom is NO FUN! She NEVER PLAYS with us. She doesn't even want to have ice cream with us!

The same scenario plays out at Old Navy, or in Safeway or at the gift store.  Moms are happy to buy new clothes/favourite cereal/presents for their children and others, but are reluctant to say "yes" to themselves?  Is it money? I don't think so. I just think society has conditioned moms to put others first and in some cases, deprive herself completely.  This is why we refer to spa days or getting our hair done as an indulgence. "I splurged." Like getting your nails done requires some sort of confession to, or a pardon from, a higher authority.  I have never heard a man rationalize his ice cream purchase or say out loud that he "splurged" on a case of beer or a new fishing rod.

All we need to say is "YES." Forget the speech about why you "shouldn't" or how you will pay for your sin later. Just say yes. "Yes, thank you, I'll have the hot fudge sundae... with nuts."

Don't believe me? Watch your kids' eyes light up when you say, "can I play catch with you?" or "Hey, let's go grab a couple of those ice cream sandwiches you love. I bet I can eat a whole one today!"

Nothing else will do

For some things there are no suitable replacements. But we try, don't we?

Like cake. There is no substitute for cake! It sucks when you can't have cake. You miss cake. And sometimes, just out of the blue you start thinking about cake.

So you grab a cookie. That doesn't do it. Maybe a donut. Nope. So now, maybe you hit the mall and look for a sweater, or buy a new leather jacket or two, just to distract yourself. But retail therapy doesn't help. You still can't deny that it's cake you want.

And there are days, like birthdays and anniversaries, you just expect cake to be there. And when there's no cake it's disappointing.

So why is it that we deny ourselves cake? "I'm too fat. Too old. I don't celebrate birthdays. I'm on a diet. I don't deserve cake. Cake is for other people. There's no good cake anymore."

There's no cake at my house. Well, that's not entirely true. I made a Rice Krispie cake last week. But that's not really cake. It was a feeble, lazy person's attempt at cake. Sure, I ate half the thing but it wasn't in any way satisfying.

I don't need a lot of cake. Just a taste of cake every once in a while. There are very few things on this earth better than cake. And this I know to be true... there are no substitutions.