Last June I was stupid

Last June I bought about $300 worth of bikinis from Victoria Secret without ever trying them on.

I would rather pull a rusty nail out of my foot than try on a bathing suit at a local store. (There aren't any swimsuit stores where I live anyway, but even if there were.) I'm not exactly a model. And I have a huge scar, so I've always avoided mirrors and half nakedness anyway. None of this is new.

The stupid part is that last June, and parts of May and July too, I was skipping meals. Maybe eating 700 or so calories a day, so I could drop  5 or 10 pounds and look my best in those overpriced bikinis.

No, I'm not a kid. I should be a lot smarter than this, but I'm not. Or I wasn't.

Those fabulous bikinis were destined for use in the Turks and Caicos islands. This was a trip I'd dreamt of doing. It's currently rated the 3rd most spectacular beach on earth (and always in the top 10) by travel magazines and web sites. I just wanted to look "Top 10" too. I had wanted to go to the Turks for soooo long, I just wanted everything to be perfect. Somehow, I lost my way. My brain took a leave of absence thinking if I was skinnier things would be happier.

And while I looked about as good as I could, without any sort of surgical enhancements or air brushing or trick lighting, what was the point? No point at all. No one loves me any more. I didn't win the lottery, become President, cure Cancer or anything. All I really did was waste some money on some little chunks of fabric. Some of those bikinis didn't even make the cut... they were left at home and never saw the ocean. Did I enjoy the trip with my family any more than I would have if I was my regular, healthy, life-long weight? No.

Oh, and I did one of those ridiculous spa wraps where they essentially wrap you in saran wrap and steam your water weight out of you so you "lose inches." Embarrassing and dumb. That was evident in the moment.

Am I any smarter now? I'd like to think so. It's a year later. I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin. I'm indulging in tea and ice cream whenever I feel like it rather than depriving myself for vanity sake. I'm even bold enough to write about it and share my stupidity. Learn from my mistake. Enjoy life on your own terms. I think "bikini money" would be better spent on nutritious groceries and family activities. Vanity has a price in our society and that price is too high.

Nothing else will do

For some things there are no suitable replacements. But we try, don't we?

Like cake. There is no substitute for cake! It sucks when you can't have cake. You miss cake. And sometimes, just out of the blue you start thinking about cake.

So you grab a cookie. That doesn't do it. Maybe a donut. Nope. So now, maybe you hit the mall and look for a sweater, or buy a new leather jacket or two, just to distract yourself. But retail therapy doesn't help. You still can't deny that it's cake you want.

And there are days, like birthdays and anniversaries, you just expect cake to be there. And when there's no cake it's disappointing.

So why is it that we deny ourselves cake? "I'm too fat. Too old. I don't celebrate birthdays. I'm on a diet. I don't deserve cake. Cake is for other people. There's no good cake anymore."

There's no cake at my house. Well, that's not entirely true. I made a Rice Krispie cake last week. But that's not really cake. It was a feeble, lazy person's attempt at cake. Sure, I ate half the thing but it wasn't in any way satisfying.

I don't need a lot of cake. Just a taste of cake every once in a while. There are very few things on this earth better than cake. And this I know to be true... there are no substitutions.

I Will Try Harder

Each January 1st people around the globe make resolutions. They start fresh, quit bad habits and try to make changes.

It frightens me at how intense the diet push is this time of year. It seems that every second TV commercial is regarding weight loss, or fitness. Now of course I understand marketing and timing... strike while the iron is hot, but still, I take offence to these messages capitalizing on people's personal insecurities. I do think that there are things that everyone can do to be more healthy. I support that fully. But emotional marketing and intense commercial pressure is what I object to.

I do my very best to only make promises I can keep. Not everything works out, but that's life. I try not to rationalize my way out of something that is difficult, but accept that things change and other things still are beyond your control. You can not control the actions of others, but only how YOU react to it.

In regards to New Year's Resolutions, I don't do anything formal or life changing.  Instead I make vows to work harder and stick to the things I already believe in. As in... "I will try harder" because these acts are important to me and how I run my life.

Here's what I want to work on in 2013. I will try harder...

1) to make sure we (my family) take more vitamins and drink more water.

2) to keep walking and skating regularly.

3) focus more on quality rather than quantity.

4) give more compliments.

5) continue to support charities that support people, not corporations.

6) to purge the house and recycle as much as possible.

7) to sleep more.

8) to use what we have before we buy more. (groceries, gifts, shampoo etc)

9) to moisturize more.

10) to stress less.


Is there anything on your personal list?  What will be important to you in 2013?