Last June I was stupid

Last June I bought about $300 worth of bikinis from Victoria Secret without ever trying them on.

I would rather pull a rusty nail out of my foot than try on a bathing suit at a local store. (There aren't any swimsuit stores where I live anyway, but even if there were.) I'm not exactly a model. And I have a huge scar, so I've always avoided mirrors and half nakedness anyway. None of this is new.

The stupid part is that last June, and parts of May and July too, I was skipping meals. Maybe eating 700 or so calories a day, so I could drop  5 or 10 pounds and look my best in those overpriced bikinis.

No, I'm not a kid. I should be a lot smarter than this, but I'm not. Or I wasn't.

Those fabulous bikinis were destined for use in the Turks and Caicos islands. This was a trip I'd dreamt of doing. It's currently rated the 3rd most spectacular beach on earth (and always in the top 10) by travel magazines and web sites. I just wanted to look "Top 10" too. I had wanted to go to the Turks for soooo long, I just wanted everything to be perfect. Somehow, I lost my way. My brain took a leave of absence thinking if I was skinnier things would be happier.

And while I looked about as good as I could, without any sort of surgical enhancements or air brushing or trick lighting, what was the point? No point at all. No one loves me any more. I didn't win the lottery, become President, cure Cancer or anything. All I really did was waste some money on some little chunks of fabric. Some of those bikinis didn't even make the cut... they were left at home and never saw the ocean. Did I enjoy the trip with my family any more than I would have if I was my regular, healthy, life-long weight? No.

Oh, and I did one of those ridiculous spa wraps where they essentially wrap you in saran wrap and steam your water weight out of you so you "lose inches." Embarrassing and dumb. That was evident in the moment.

Am I any smarter now? I'd like to think so. It's a year later. I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin. I'm indulging in tea and ice cream whenever I feel like it rather than depriving myself for vanity sake. I'm even bold enough to write about it and share my stupidity. Learn from my mistake. Enjoy life on your own terms. I think "bikini money" would be better spent on nutritious groceries and family activities. Vanity has a price in our society and that price is too high.