Screwed up self-image

You know you're a screwed up girl when you get the flu and think "well at least I should drop 3 or 4 pounds" with this.

Yep. I'm that screwed up girl. You probably are too. In fact, I'm going to bet that 70% of women over 18 would think the same thing, if not admit it out loud.

Recently a blog post  circulated widely about avoiding family photos until you drop a few pounds, get a make over, or look perfect. I think we all read it, applauded and nodded in agreement.

And here's the thing:  It DOES NOT MATTER whether you are 120 pounds, 220 pounds or anywhere on the scale, we are ALL doing it to ourselves. We are telling ourselves CONSTANTLY that we are less than perfect. Yet, God forbid this topic come up amongst friends.... they will all tell you that you ARE perfect and wonderful. And for one minute you believe them and feel good Then your crooked perception of yourself snaps back and tells you that all your friends are liars. "They just don't want to hurt my feelings."  When in reality you're the only one applying this pressure to be perfect... or are you?

Let's take a look at the voices in your head:  Media, Family, Co-Workers, Friends, Strangers

In my head, I hear the voice of my mother's father. "Oh, don't you look healthy!" Well those words always sent the women in my family reeling. God forbid he ever say that to you. It, "of course" meant, you had gained weight and everyone noticed.

Then as a young bride, everyone is always analyzing your figure to see if you were pregnant and who could identify that first. Cruel really... and you see it today in media constantly.

Then at some point, when you are pregnant, you are subject to a constant record and analysis of your weight. Just one more reason to feel like crap when you're pregnant.

Don't get me started on January and the intense push to diet and exercise. I'm sure 70% of the ads out there are preying on our insecurities each January.

I was at the coffee shop and the clerk offered me, or suggested politely "low fat milk, or sugar-free?" Pardon???? Are you saying I'm fat? Do I need the "diet" latte?   And, the next thing you know I'm  cutting back at the coffee shop and wondering if I have a milk belly.

My friend and I have terrible schedules that hardly ever match up with free time to go to they gym. Every time we try to connect and fail, it feels like a let down. Like we are both failures. And if I go, and she doesn't I feel like I'm cheating on her. And she feels like she's further behind and will have to work double to catch up.

I haven't eaten ice cream since October. Neither a cheeseburger. Why? I don't know. Buying ice cream at the grocery store feels like buying condoms. People are going to judge.  It's the same reason I'm not eating dessert at a restaurant, somebody's bound to give me that "do you really need dessert" look. And that's indeed why we give into marketing gimmicks and buy things that are labelled "low calorie" or "Skinny Girl."

Though, writing this, it seems silly. The world shouldn't care whether we have dessert. People have real problems to worry about. Any yet, you know I'm right.

And Facebook, and their perfect photos. Ugh. It pains me to see all these young girls and their self portraits looking for approval. I worry that they are going to be a more screwed up generation that we are.

I once posted a Facebook album I called "strictly outtakes". It was all the lame, ugly pics from vacations, me and the kids. It was real life. It was liberating.  But 80% of the time, I'm as guilty as the next gal, I'll only keep photos that are flattering, heck, I've even been known to edit out a zit or one of those pesky age lines.  And still, I will not have a personal portrait done, or pay for a professional photo as I already "know" I won't like it and it will be a waste of money.  I've thought, a few times, about having a racy photo done for my husband for our anniversary. And yet, one look in the mirror and then a magazine, and there's no way I could compete. So, I won't do it. Why open myself up to more self-criticism?

But I have a crutch....I have a scar. A big, massive, horrible scar. And I have used that as an excuse for years. Only recently have I come to accept it. I wore a bikini in public for the first time in "forever". Nothing horrible happened. Nobody pointed or laughed. I got to enjoy more freedom of choice at the swimsuit store, and felt more hip on the beach. So maybe that was ok. But the only way I could convince myself to do it, was knowing that we were on vacation in a foreign country and I wouldn't know anybody there. (Sound familiar to anyone?)

So, all I'm really trying to say, is the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect is just hooey. I think each of my friends is beautiful and wonderful at exactly the size and shape they are today. I would genuinely tell them that, and mean it. I know, they would say the same to me.

And yet, there is this overwhelming feeling coming from the inside that says, "if you just lost a few pounds... got rid of those pesky grey hairs, found an eye cream that worked, got some more sleep, drank more water, had a little time .... then you'd be better."  Better, because I think perfect is a joke. Unattainable. There is no perfect. And if there was, it wouldn't be me anyways.  (UGH! Why won't these voices go away??)

Does this screwed up self-image just come down to love anyways? Does perfection make people more worthy of love? More loveable? More desirable? More happy? Is that what we're looking for? To be more worthy of love from family, friends and those WE love? But isn't that a messed up theory because they already DO love us?

Well, isn't that just the million dollar question.