Spoken not just in my voice, but the collective voice of women everywhere. (Yes, for this occasion, I nominated myself as the spokesperson for all women. Just this one time!)
Christmas is two weeks away. This advice likely comes 12 days to early for most men, but hey... I've got a lot to do in the next 2 weeks. Saving your ass at the last minute isn't on my to-do list this year.
So, men... listen up. (You can thank me later.)
1. Don't buy lingerie for us. We know what you want. Lingerie will not help your cause. Vacuuming the living room and taking the kids out while we try to wrap gifts... that MIGHT help. But seriously, you don't know what size we are, and no teenager working at the lingerie store is going to save the day. Non refundable. Just don't. Seriously.
2. Don't buy a cookbook or frying pan, or humidifier or tool set. Basically...anything that comes from Canadian Tire or Home Dept (except for a new fancy kitchen) is going to fail your attempt as a Christmas gift. Seriously.
3. Don't buy anything that you can fetch from Wal-Mart at 5AM to avoid the Christmas shopping rush. Seriously.
4. Don't buy your wife the same box of Pot of Gold chocolates that you gave your secretary, the bus driver, your kid's teacher, or your ex-wife. Buying in bulk might save you time, but won't save your ass. Seriously.
5. Don't buy the generic $10 bath set or moisturizer set. OMG, don't you know we spend hundreds of dollars on eye creams, and wrinkle fillers and miracle creams to avoid aging, wrinkling and sagging? If it's not guaranteed, proven to work or on Dr. Oz or Oprah, we don't want it. And even if we want it.... we DO NOT want you to buy it for us. That would just acknowledge you know about the aging, wrinkling and sagging, and you DO NOT want to acknowledge that. Seriously.
6. (Yes, I know it says 5, but I'm on a roll.) Do not buy my Christmas gift at the liquor store. Yes, I know this is the one shopping trip you look forward to and it's the once-a-year event when you willingly push a cart.... but no. You and your buddies cannot go shopping together and just grab tequila. Even if it IS Patron. We see that as an attempt to get us back to the lingerie store. Seriously.
Disclaimer: This list applies to husbands. Newlyweds and boyfriends might have some luck with #1, 5 or 6. However, #3 & 4 are bad news regardless. Actually, with the right card, a boyfriend might be able to make a tool belt and cheap slippers into a romantic gift... but husbands should know better. Don't you remember the year you bought the frying pan? Nobody wants to relive THAT again.
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