Ah Well

So I had a freak out moment today. As many freak out moments this one was "sponsored" by Google. Not really... but kind of.

You know, when you're sick and you have a rash and you Google it....then you believe, even for 15 minutes at 3 AM, that you might have Scarlet Fever or the Ebola Virus. Well, this happened with my well.

Well?  Yes, it's a country home. It's what country folk use for water. And when the water didn't come out of the tap and I heard a funny noise from the pump, I Googled it. Restart the pump. Seemed like a logical answer. But the pump was still making noise. So, to me, at 1AM, it seemed like it still kind of worked.

Then, I saw the topic "what to do when your well runs dry." OMG does that actually happen??? Holy crap. Could we be out of water? In the middle of winter? In my house that serves hockey boys and launders clothes around the clock. Nooooo, no, no. We better not be out of water.

Holy crap!! Could we be out of water?

But.... but.... it's a nice house. And the man (who in this split second I am wildly suspicious of) who sold it to us said there was "tons of water. You'll never be out of water." Did I buy my house from a snake oil salesman 10 years ago?  Ugh. I need to move now! Must I look up real estate listings on Google now? Yes of course, it's 2AM.

OMG OMG OMG, why don't I live in a condo? Condos have people that take care of these things.

My next thought was... yup, never should have had that gallon of tea an hour ago. I have to pee now. Pee like a woman getting that damn pregnancy ultrasound when you think your bladder is going to explode.  Brutal.

Ok. Now what would cruise ship survivors do? Think like a cruise ship passenger.... Ha Ha. We're not there yet.

So, I posted signs on the bathroom doors for the kids. "No Water." And put the bottles of hand sanitizer in more prominent locations.  Then I formulated an after school shower and survival plan..... go to Grandpa's house. Yes!  Hurrah for Grandpa's house.

How soon can we move? Would Grandpa let us live with him? Will the well "regrow" water? Why did anyone let me move out of the City in the first place.

Then.... the sun rose. Water still did not exist in the form we are accustomed to. So the plumber was called and the plumber came out. He did NOT Google the problem. He did not scare me with amateur diagnosis of permanent doom. Instead he fixed things, told me to have a good day, and went on about his business.

Water was restored. Once again, I feel like I've dodged Ebola Virus.

Fast Five: Seriously...bad gifts from husbands

Spoken not just in my voice, but the collective voice of women everywhere. (Yes, for this occasion, I nominated myself as the spokesperson for all women. Just this one time!)

Christmas is two weeks away. This advice likely comes 12 days to early for most men, but hey... I've got a lot to do in the next 2 weeks. Saving your ass at the last minute isn't on my to-do list this year.

So, men... listen up. (You can thank me later.)

1. Don't buy lingerie for us. We know what you want. Lingerie will not help your cause. Vacuuming the living room and taking the kids out while we try to wrap gifts... that MIGHT help.  But seriously, you don't know what size we are, and no teenager working at the lingerie store is going to save the day. Non refundable. Just don't. Seriously.

2. Don't buy a cookbook or frying pan, or humidifier or tool set. Basically...anything that comes from Canadian Tire or Home Dept (except for a new fancy kitchen) is going to fail your attempt as a Christmas gift. Seriously.

3. Don't buy anything that you can fetch from Wal-Mart at 5AM to avoid the Christmas shopping rush. Seriously.

4. Don't buy your wife the same box of Pot of Gold chocolates that you gave your secretary, the bus driver, your kid's teacher, or your ex-wife.  Buying in bulk might save you time, but won't save your ass. Seriously.

5. Don't buy the generic $10 bath set or moisturizer set. OMG, don't you know we spend hundreds of dollars on eye creams, and wrinkle fillers and miracle creams to avoid aging, wrinkling and sagging? If it's not guaranteed, proven to work or on Dr. Oz or Oprah, we don't want it. And even if we want it.... we DO NOT want you to buy it for us. That would just acknowledge you know about the aging, wrinkling and sagging, and you DO NOT want to acknowledge that. Seriously.

6. (Yes, I know it says 5, but I'm on a roll.)  Do not buy my Christmas gift at the liquor store. Yes, I know this is the one shopping trip you look forward to and it's the once-a-year event when you willingly push a cart.... but no. You and your buddies cannot go shopping together and just grab  tequila. Even if it IS  Patron. We see that as an attempt to get us back to the lingerie store.   Seriously.


Disclaimer: This list applies to husbands. Newlyweds and boyfriends might have some luck with #1, 5 or 6. However, #3 & 4 are bad news regardless.  Actually, with the right card, a boyfriend might be able to make a tool belt and cheap slippers into a romantic gift... but husbands should know better. Don't you remember the year you bought the frying pan? Nobody wants to relive THAT again.