A year later

It's been exactly a year since my mother had a stroke. This changed our lives.

I don't want to get too personal here, but she wasn't even old enough to collect a pension when it happened. She was not overweight, a smoker or have any other medical circumstances that would have led us to believe this was going to happen.

In fact, the evening when it started all she noted was an uneasy stomach and maybe a pinched nerve in her leg or something. It just hurt a bit to walk, she said. Honestly, none of us had ANY clue that 8 hours later she would be unconscious in an emergency room.

Yesterday was hard. I was pretty weepy. I was having nightmares about the events from a year ago. Being in the emergency ward, not being able to communicate with her, seeing her unconscious felt really out of control.  But that was a year ago.

When it all happened, I didn't leave her side. I slept in a chair, in a corner and in a cot for 6 nights. Family and friends rallied. 24 hours a day everyone was asking me (and my brother) for updates.  Much of that week is a blur. I remember trying to go see my son at a hockey tryout, and instead sitting in a hallway bawling my eyes out at a hockey rink.

I gave up my vehicle for 3 or 4 days. I was too exhausted to drive and hospital parking charges were killing me. I wasn't sleeping. I may have said things that people didn't wanted to hear. I was blunt at times.  Though now, I could not even tell you what I said. Seriously, such a blur after the 3rd day.

Then somebody, somewhere, hijacked my credit card that very weekend. A vending machine? The hospital parkade? My wallet?  Who knows.  I felt paralyzed without it - which is pretty pathetic for me to say, because at that point my mother was significantly paralyzed for real. But with my credit card and debit card frozen and nowhere near my bank branch, lets just say it sucked.

Emotionally, I felt lucky for I had friends in different time zones that were ready and willing to talk at different times of day and night.  I was touched by the ones that reached out to me,  and a little surprised by the ones who didn't. Facebook was a good thing. I was a bit of a wreck. Facing my mother's paralysis and now her obvious gambling addiction... it was a lot to handle.

I essentially abandoned my own family and moved in with my brother to care for my mom last winter. It was hard but where I needed to be. Her survival was the only thing that mattered.  My own kids and husband survived, they even missed me a little, but that was only temporary.

After several months of round the clock care, and expert rehab my mother was able to move back into her apartment. And my life got back to "normal" too.

Her mobility is limited. Significantly limited. She has lost her license and given up her car, which is ok I guess as she's actually afraid to set foot outside her door anyway. The big wide world is a scary place now. The TV doesn't help either. She has a tendency to personalize every crisis happening around the world whether it is weather-related or random violence or whatever. An example would be that one night at 4AM she started texting me and begging me not to drive my kids to school because of the hurricane. It was July. The hurricane was in the caribbean. We don't live in the caribbean. But not much would settle her down except me promising I would not take the kids to school that day & that I did indeed have extra water and food in the house.

She continues to live with the support of health care workers/home care. Most days, I believe she is trying, but often the depression gets the best of her.

My brother has been amazing. His compassion and patience were and are far beyond my expectations. I feel he's carried the lion's share of the load. I try. I really do, but with a family and a business and living hours away in a different city... it's hard. My brother really has kept this all together. Mom & I chat daily, but I know it's not like being there in person.

Her siblings live her city too. I assume they try to come around when they can, though I've only heard of a couple visits. When I have tried to reach out to them I've been ignored. I feel that loss too. It's significant for me.

I don't know why this anniversary is so hard for me. Just a year later and I see how much we've lost, not how far we've come. Personally, I feel like crap.  She's doing ok. Ok is really a relative term.  I didn't bring up the anniversary when we chatted yesterday. It obviously better that way. I'll just find my own therapy here at the keyboard.